2011 Oscars Red Carpet - The Men

Fresh-scrubbed.

Look, kittens. It's like this. The Oscars red carpet was unusually tasteful and/or stylish this year, which means the real bitchery flowed when we got to the after-parties. Since it's kind of boring to talk about a succession of male celebrities in tuxedos in any case ("Nice, fit. Hem's too long. Fit's not bad. Hem's too long. We hate black shirts."), it's even more boring when so many stars are on their best behavior. Suffice it to say, we hate black shirts, the hems are too long on almost every pair of pants, Colin Firth gets it right, we love Javier Bardem's vest, Josh Hutcherson is adorable, Justin Timberlake looks more and more like a serial killer the older he gets, Keith Urban's hair frightens us and Christian Bale has been sleeping in that thing for six weeks.

Feel free to opinionate on the rest of them. And play FMK. Here, we'll start:

Fuck: Hugh Jackman.
Marry: Javier Bardem
Kill: Justin Timberlake, of course. It's only a matter of time before he goes after someone. Just look at him.