YES, darlings! HERE is where the bitchery begins.If the Oscars are Hollywood's prom, then the parties afterward are Hollywood's Sophomore Dance, when every celeb with a publicist comes crawling out of their holes, straps on some shit-ugly clothes, and parties their ass off for the night, having no idea how ridiculous they look. The possibilities of cracktastic clothing just increased exponentially.
Let's do this.
Amanda Seyfried in Valentino Pre-Fall 2011 [Modified Version] There's too much going on up top for such a short skirt. And we don't like the way the skirt balloons out a bit.
We are very close to declaring a moratorium (if not an outright fatwa) on peep-toes on the RC.
Anna Paquin (in Monique Lhuillier) and Stephen MoyerAnna just got here from her square-dancing class. Stephen's Lady Clairol hair continues to wound us.
Anne Hathaway in Atelier Versace Spring 2011 It's not our favorite dress she wore, but it's apparently hers. Love the color.
You think she spent all night at the party answering the question "So... what the hell happened to Franco?"
Cameron Diaz in Carolina Herrera Resort 2011We don't mind a short skirt at an event like this, but this is a bit too much. Also, by taking so much off the hem, the proportions are thrown way off.
Carolina Herrera We are shocked by how sloppy this looks on her. Besides, it doesn't really seem like her style. And the color doesn't really suit her. She looks better in warmer tones.
Catherine O'Hara and Bo Welch The dress is fine, but the matchy bag and the Serial Mom hair are killing the look.
Charlize Theron in Atelier Versace Spring 2011 Flawless.
Chris Colfer in Giorgio Armani Perfect, but he looks too thin to us. Chris, eat something. Don't listen to these Hollywood bitches.
Chris Hemsworth It is a universal truism that body building and looking good in clothes simply don't go together. He looks like a blond gorilla. The shiny blackness of it all didn't help.
Danny and Anjelica Huston Anjelica Huston, we have a problem. It's your shitty dress, which makes your boobs look like they're melting and your bottom half look like a curvaceous tree trunk.
Donna Karan Wow. She has NEVER looked this good. What a great, and flattering, dress.
Elizabeth Banks in Vintage Versace It's really cute, if a little precious. We would have told her to go for a colorful shoe to break up all that shimmery neutrality.
Emma Stone in Chanel Fall 2009 Couture Yow. She looks like a drunken '80s secretary (who only had two mismatched pieces clean enough to wear that day) coming out of the ladies room during happy hour with half her skirt hanging out of her panties.
Jane Lynch We love it. If you're a stylish Hollywood lesbian of a certain age (and height), then a glittery gold tuxedo jacket (which fits her very well) is the way to go.
Joe Jonas That's a flawless suit. Look at the beautiful break in those pants.
Jude Law, Susan Downey, and Robert Downey Jr. Now look at the laughable breaks on display here. There's no excuse for this at the Oscars.
Juliette Lewis in Georges Hobeika How cute does she look? We admit, she's more fun when she brings the crazy to the RC, but we love that she knows how to bring the graceful as well. Love the color.
Lea Michele in Roberto Cavalli We...kinda like it? Even though she looks like Slim Goodbody in drag a little bit? Or like she's wearing a sequined Shroud of Turin?
We'd like it more without that really high neckline, which we suspect was a response to the criticism that she's been wearing too many mega-low-cut dresses this past year. But the color's nice and there's a great sense of drama to it.
Liv Tyler in Givenchy CoutureThe dress is beautiful, but Liv can't talk right now as she just came our of the Vanity Fair Blood Drive tent and is hankering for a donut and cup of orange juice.
Lourdes Leon in AllSaints She looks really cute and put together. Perfect look for a teenager.
Madonna in Francesco Scognamiglio Pre-Fall 2011 HORRIBLE look for a teenager's mother attending the same event. Could you imagine being 15 and going to a party with your mother, who's dressed like a superhero hooker?
Michael C. Hall Looks good.
Paz de la Huerta We love you, Paz de la Huerta. We love your lipstick, which makes you look like you've been eating cake frosting out of the can with your hands tied behind your back. We love your boobs, which are sliding slowly down your front because you are allergic to bras. We love your panties. We love your trailer park hair. We love the perpetually confused, pouty look on your face, like you don't know where you are and you're not sure if you like anyone in the room. And most of all, we love your dress, which looks like it was made from an army parachute and was designed to flatter absolutely nothing on your body.
Serena Williams That flatters the hell out of her. It's not always easy dressing athletic bodies, but this looks great on her.
Taylor Swift in Zuhair Murad Spring 2011 Never before have we wanted so much for Kanye to make an appearance and tell everyone this white girl is boring.
Vera Farmiga Love the top, but we don't like where the hem hits on her. A half inch to an inch off would be perfect.
Zoe Saldana in Prabal Gurung Fall 2011 Love the dress on her and love the shoes, which go with, but do not match exactly, the dress. Whoever styles her is very good at accessorizing.
50 Cent The pants are too long, but the rest of the fit is very good. Whoever styled him or tailored his tux needs to give his card to Chris Hemsworth. This is how a big, muscled guy is supposed to look. Hot.
[Photo Credit: getty, wireimage, elle.com, style.com]
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