A veritable PARADE of D-Listers, darlings!
Abbie Cornish in Elie SaabWe like the dress, which is appropriately dramatic, but the Ruth Buzzi hair has got to go.
Anderson CooperHe looks adorable but his pants are too long.
Anika Noni RoseRuPaul would say she's bringing realness. We think she looks like a gay pride parade float short of a few rainbow colors.
Bryce Dallas Howard Ew, no. We don't mind a retro silhouette, but this is too ridiculously literal. The good news is, she can hide a couple extra dresses in her skirt, should this on prove to be unworkable.
Chace Crawford in Dolce & Gabbana Cute, but wrinkled. We like the hair.
Claire Danes in Calvin Klein Spring 2011 We don't know about this one. It's got that breezy CK chicness and minimalism, but it's so boxy and long that it looks like a low-cut coat. And the shoes are pure Boca Raton.
Colin Hanks Good lord, someone needs to teach this over-earnest dork how to pose. He looks like he's asking for donations. The suit looks a little cheap to us.
David Spade He looks like a puffy douche and the lifts in his cheap shoes complete the picture.
L'Wren Scott and Mick Jagger If you think we're going to criticize Mick Jagger, you've got another thing coming, missy. The man is a LEGEND and we will hear not one word about how he looks like a giant shriveled satin penis.
Ellen Barkin in L'Wren Scott Spring 2011
Emma Roberts in Jenny Packham Spring 2011 Beautiful. Hate the hair.
Eva Mendes in Donna Karan We don't get it. This doesn't look anything like a Donna Karan dress, but apparently it was custom designed for her. No wonder she looks pissed off. This may be the least flattering thing she's ever worn.
Ginnifer Goodwin in Erdem Fall 2009 Jesus, this girl needs an intervention. Let's all take up a collection for her. She looks like a lampshade in an Italian brothel.
Gwyneth Paltrow in Michael Kors Fall 2011 Granted, she's one color from tip to toe (not counting the roots), but we still like the look on her. It's a fabulous dress.
Jena Malone JESUS. These stylists can run any trend straight into the ground. LACE! One simply MUST wear lace this season, darling! Even if one comes out looking like a total whore, one will be totally on trend! And ENOUGH with the peep toes, stylists! Have a freaking original thought every now and then!
Jessica Biel in Versace It's a little too neutral, but there are a lot of really lovely details on this dress when you look closely at it. Beautiful lines. Love the multiple straps.
Joan Collins She's fucking Alexis, people. Bow the hell down. Yes, she looks like the basket on the front of an 8-year-old girl's bicycle, but she's like Mick Jagger; she's beyond critique. And thankfully, she doesn't look like a satin penis.
Kelly Lynch in Lanvin Spring 2011 Well, it's certainly better than that truly frightening getup she wore the other day, but it's still a bit too hard and Amazonian a look, we're thinking. Honey, zhuzh out your hair and pick something less armored-looking for your feet and then we'll talk.
Lily Collins in ADAM Fall 2010 We don't get this dress at all. Whatever waist she has is completely gone. How can you not see that in the mirror?
PEEPTOES. NUDE PEEPTOES. TAKE US NOW, LORD.
Matthew Morrison in Dolce & Gabbana Looks cute.
Megan Mullally Oh honey, no. You are the very woman who inspired the use of "kittens" and "poodles" as a form of address on this blog, so it pains us to say this: you look matronly, dear. Love the earrings, though.
Melissa Leo It's neither better nor worse than her show getup. It simply is. Besides, we're terrified of her.
Mia Wasikowska in Stella McCartney Pre-Fall 2011 It's too twee and PEEP TOES, but of all the black lace dresses, this is the least slutty, so points for that. Also, makeup would have been nice.
Selita Ebanks in Valentino Enh. Looks a little dated, to be honest. If it had a ruffle running down only one side of the dress instead of both sides, it might work.
Sofia Vergara in Zuhair Murad Spring 2011
We hate to sound like prudes, but this is vulgar. We know you love your va-va-voom body, honey (and rightly so), but this actually takes away from your natural curves. We're so tired of dresses that look like underwear. You really want to do something shocking, fashion industry? Make underwear that looks like Oscar gowns.
Tom Ford We used to think he was so hot, but as he gets older, he gets more and more plastic and less and less human. Everything has to be so perfect and just-so that we can't even imagine a friendly pat on the back with him, let alone sex. Having said that, we're going to be incredibly nit-picky: we adore the velvet jacket, but the pants needed to be a darker shade of black to go with it.
[Photo Credit: getty, wireimage, elle.com, style.com]
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Labels: Calvin Klein, Donna karan, Fashion, Michael Kors, Oscars, Red Carpet, Versace
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